Liberal Logic 101 - War Policy: Abbott and Costello

OVERHEARD DURING THE WANING DAYS OF THE OBAMA PRESIDENCY

BUD ABBOTT, DEMOCRAT STRATEGIST, EXPLAINS FOREIGN POLICY TO LOU COSTELLO

Abbott: Hey Lou, don’t you agree that Obama’s and Hillary’s policy not to put boots on the ground is brilliant?

Costello: I dunno. Why?

Abbott: Because we will make friends with the Muslim World. We won’t mention Islam, Jihad, Islamic Jihad anymore because we don’t want to get Muslims angry at us by telling them the truth.

Costello: Is that why Obama and Hillary won’t put BOOTS on the ground?

Abbott: Right! They won’t put boots on the ground because putting boots on the ground get Muslims angry.

Costello: You mean boots on the ground will get Muslims angry and boots in the air, inside jet fighters, won’t?

Abbott: Correct. Boots in the air killing Muslims do not get Muslims angry. Boots in the air don’t touch the ground. That’s why they’re in the air. It’s not right to kill Muslims from the ground. It’s their ground after all.

Costello: OK. Whom are Muslims angry at anyway?

Abbott: Everyone. Every place where people are happy. They are angry at us and they are angry at each other. They are especially angry at Donald Trump for not seeing the benefits of putting Jihadi boots on the ground in the United States. In fact, Muslims are threatening to circumcise Donald! I guess it’s a beheading of sorts.

Costello: Right. So Muslims are angry at Donald and Muslims won’t grace us with their presence because of Donald?

Abbott: Correct. Muslims don’t want to come here because of Donald and Christians with Bibles and guns. That is why Obama and Biden are importing undocumented Democrat voters.

Abbott: And Mexicans won’t jump the border fences because of Donald?

Costello: Not likely, unless they can fly. Anyway, what do Mexicans have to do with it?

Abbott: Global warming. It’s warm in Mexico. It says so right in this travel brochure, see?

Abbott: Obama says that global warming causes terrorism.

Costello: That makes sense. So, according to Obama and Biden, global warming causes Mexicans too? Anyway, it’s good to hear that Islam, Jihad, Islamic Jihad and the Q’uoran have nothing to do with beheadings and dead Christians and Jews. I’m just wondering, how did they lose their heads?

Abbott: That’s right. Obama says Jihad has nothing to do with Islam. There’s nothing Islamic about Jihad. In fact, there’s nothing Islamic about Islam.

Abbott: Anyway, Obama says Muslims don’t cause terrorism. We do!

Costello: How?

Abbott: With boots.

Costello: I get it. So tell me, how do we make Muslims not get angry at us?

Abbott: We put more boots in the air to kill them. We blow them up from the air before they blow themselves up in their boots.

Costello: Are you telling me that boots on the ground that kill Muslims is a problem – and boots in the air that kill Muslims is not a problem?

Abbott: Correct. Both Hillary and Obama reasoned that putting boots on the ground would become a “recruiting tool” for ISIS.

Costello: And Donald Trump is also a recruiting tool?

Abbott: Yes. So is Sarah Palin, naked women, bacon and eggs, happy people, and the Bible. Jews really get the Muslims PO’d.

Costello: Hey Bud, I just read the intel briefing the other day proposing that neither Donald nor the Jews were recruiting tools. I read that Hillary’s husband Bill and Obama were!

Abbott: What difference at this point does it make?

Costello: Not much. A question: If we killed Muslims from the air where we put our boots inside jet fighters, A-10 attack fighters, COBRA helicopters, and B1 bombers, Muslims will become our friends?

Abbott: Of course. It’s logical. That’s why it is our policy. Go ahead, ask Hillary who promised to continue Obama’s present strategy which has been sooooo successful.

Costello: Whatever you say. What if Muslims start complaining about all the dead Muslims killed by boots in the air firing napalm and fragmentation munitions into their markets, hospitals, schools and homes?

Abbott: No problem. So far we’re lucky, the Muslims never figured out there are boots in the air, thinking “Boots are Made for Walking.” They can’t see the boots. As far as they are concerned, the boots ain’t there. They think the Jews did it. In any event, Obama and Hillary are thinking ahead anyway – before the Muslims discover the boots…in case one fell out of the air.

Abbott: We are increasing our drone fleet. Soon we’ll be killing Muslims by the thousands without boots. No boots and they won’t mind.

We can hang out at a Nebraska bar and from our laptops we will kill Muslims all over the world. It’ll be just like a video game! The guys on the stools passing joints to each other will be high-fiving every kill. I can already see it. In fact, we’ll be able to close down our boot factories, save all that money on shoe laces, and convert thousands of boots into drones that’ll fire Hellfire missiles into which we put high explosives, suffocating chemicals that’ll start huge fires, and fragmentation munitions. No boots on the ground killing Muslims mean that Muslims will become our friends instantly, will love America, and will stop kidnapping, raping and killing innocent virgins. Logical, isn’t it?

Costello: You were always right, that is brilliant Bud! Why did I not think of such a great strategy?

Abbott: Because Obama and Hillary have. Lou, it’s time you got on the Fundamental Change bandwagon with the rest of us Democrats in a world where Muslims will no longer be killed by boots on the ground put there by George Bush, Dick Cheney, the NRA, and Halliburton.

Image Source:  Wikimedia Commons

License:  Public Domain

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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Andrew G. Benjamin is in finance, real estate and equities, a former advisor to New York City mayor ‘s office (Subcommittee on Taxation, Finance and the Budget). Benjamin wrote extensively about politics, transnational and domestic, intelligence and military affairs, security and strategy, economic issues, Mideast, terrorism, technology and high end audio.

Reprint rights are available from the author.

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